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The Truth About Men and Women 32/74

Author: Phoenixnz
Fandom: Smallville
Genre: Romcom,Drama, movie knock-off, AU
Rating: R (for innuendo, although there may be smut later)
Pairing: Clark Luthor/Lois Lane
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, not even the AU ones, or the movie this one is based on. Some situations from the movie The Ugly Truth are borrowed for effect, but with a Smallville spin on them.
Feedback: Yesh pleash
Art: dream_infinity0

Summary: Lois Lane is a dedicated journalist. So dedicated in fact that she has trouble with relationships. She is mortified when cable show host and womaniser Clark Luthor joins the Daily Planet as a columnist and he begins teaching her the truth about male/female relationships. From his angle anyway.


Chapter Thirty-Two

Clark wasn’t sure who to be angrier with. Lois for coming down to the club, or Lex for setting him up. Sure, Lex had made it sound like Lois had done this all on her own initiative, but he knew Lex well enough to know when his brother was scheming.

He’d had time to think about what he’d told Lois early that morning. He still thought he was right in not letting them be together, but at that point in time, he was in no state to be rationalising anything.

Right now all he could feel and smell and taste was Lois. Even if she didn’t look like Lois right now. The only way he’d known it was Lois was because of the way she’d been announced when she’d made her appearance. And god, watching her dance had been ... Clark had had to avert his eyes to stop himself from setting something on fire. Especially when Lois had swung around the pole like a professional, like she was ...

Oh, you are so not going there, Luthor, he thought.

Lois was whimpering beneath him and he wasn’t sure if he was hurting her or if it was something else. He eased off the pressure a little and she pulled him closer. Okay, not hurting her.

A big part of him wanted to take her then and there. Own her. Pay her back for her teasing. He was tempted. He had already come but he was hardening again with just the thought of her juicy lips, her tight ...

“Yo, babe, everything okay?”

Clark’s superhearing kicking in was like a cold shower. With a growl, he pulled away, putting as much distance between himself and Lois as he could in that little room. Lois blinked up at him in surprise, her lips swollen and red with his kisses. Then she touched her ear.

“Uh, yeah, Victor, I’m fine.”

“I just overheard some guy talking about Edge. Isn’t that who you came here to investigate?”

“Yes, yes it was. Thanks.”

Lois stood up, straightening her clothes. At least, the little of them she had. Clark breathed deep, trying to get his libido back under control. Lois avoided his gaze, but he could tell from the pulse at her neck that she was fighting just as much for control.

“Lois, we have to talk.”

She strode to the door, ignoring him.


“No, we don’t, Clark. You said all you had to say this morning. Like I said, I’m still angry with you and right now I have more important things to worry about than your issues. So hurry up and try to make yourself look halfway decent instead of looking like you’ve just been doing the horizontal hula.”

Clark snorted in amusement. She always had a way with words.

“Isn’t that what we’ve been doing? I mean, if you want to get technical about it. You did give me a lap dance.”

Lois looked at him then, her eyes glinting with anger. Yeah, there was no chance in hell she was going to forgive him anytime soon.

“Technical schmechnical,” she said. “First, that was for their benefit. And second, that was just a taste of what you’re going to be missing out on. Because let me tell you something, buster, you ain’t getting anywhere near this.” She pointed to her rear. “Not anytime soon.”

Clark rolled his eyes, looking her over again. She must have used make-up to cover the bruises on her torso and her arms, as some of it had rubbed off.

“Lois,” he said, reaching out. “Your bruises.”

Lois looked down. “Shit! So much for the warpaint.” She shrugged. “Well, hopefully they won’t see in their pathetic excuse for lighting.”

She opened the door and went out. Clark followed with a sigh.

He was surprised to see no one in the corridors, but he guessed those girls who weren’t on the floor were in the private rooms. He’d been in a club like the Windgate once before, and knew exactly what went on. The owners usually turned a blind eye to it unless the cops happened to raid them. Clark had once been caught up in a raid and arrested. He’d been dating Lana then, so he must have been about seventeen. All he remembered was, Lana kept refusing sex with him so he’d gone to the club for a ‘private session’ with one of the girls.

When the cops had found him in one of the club’s private rooms, with a girl who had been barely seventeen at the time, they’d busted him on the spot for drinking underage and a whole list of other charges. Lionel had been furious when he’d found out, giving Clark a beating he’d felt for days, despite the fact that once he’d been away from his father’s green Kryptonite ring he’d healed instantly.

Lois grabbed her clothes from the dressing room and put on her hooded jacket and jeans.

“Where’s the office?” he asked her in a loud whisper.

Lois pointed along the corridor. “One of the girls said it’s upstairs and to the right.”

Clark looked at her.

“Please, they’re strippers, not rocket scientists. I told her I wanted to talk to the boss about getting a permanent gig here.”

“Lois ...”

“Lighten up, Luthor. You’ll get wrinkles.” She grabbed his arm. “Come on.”

He followed her as she found the door to the stairway and went up. Just as they reached the top, the door to the office opened. Hurriedly, Clark pushed her into a dark alcove.

“What are you ...” she began and he pressed his mouth to hers to keep her quiet.

What had started off as a protective measure soon escalated into a kiss that made him dizzy with want.

One of the men who had come out of the office could be heard talking.

“Any idea where Luthor went?” he asked.

“Jake said he saw him going off with that new girl into one of the private rooms. She sure puts on one hell of a show. Man, I would have loved to have been in his position.”

“Well, we better find him before the boss comes back. Mr Edge wants a word with him.”

“Yeah, I bet he does.”

The voices faded as the two men went down the stairs. Clark pulled away from Lois.

“That was close,” she said, sounding breathless.

“Yeah,” he said, grabbing her hand. He peered out, checking the corridor, then x-rayed the door of the office. It was empty. “It’s clear. We can go.”

They went into the office and began searching through the papers.

“What exactly are we looking for?” he asked.

“Come on, Clark, use that genius brain of yours.”

“Lois, Edge isn’t exactly going to have documents saying he killed Lachlan and Eliza, now is he?”

“Oh, I don’t know. The man has a pretty big ego, from what I hear. If Lionel had the evidence linking Edge to the murders, he might just have it as some kind of trophy.”

“We’d still have to figure out what that evidence is.”

“Keep looking,” she told him.

Clark kept shuffling through the papers on the desk, using his x-ray vision to help sort through the documents. He chanced to look up and saw what looked like a safe behind a painting. Going back to normal vision, he moved toward the painting.

“Lois, there’s a safe behind here.”

She frowned at him. “How do you ...”

“X-ray vision.”

“Okay, we are so going to need to have a talk about these powers of yours. Like how many you have and what exactly you can do with them.”

“Later,” he said, taking the painting off the hook on the wall. The safe had a tumbler, which was going to make it easier for him to work out the combination.

“How are you ...” Lois asked and he shushed her.

“I need to focus,” he said.

He began turning the tumbler slowly, listening for the change in the clicks. The first part of the combination was eight right. Turning the tumbler anti-clockwise, he waited for the clicks again and it came up with twenty eight. The next one was no surprise. Seventy-three. Clark sighed.


“The combination. Eight, twenty-eight, seventy-three.”

“August 28, 1973. The date your grandparents were killed. Figures.”

Clark opened the safe. In it were some papers on Marionette Ventures and what looked like an old tape. He pulled them out and handed them to Lois. Then closed the safe and put the painting back.

“Put those in your bag,” he told her. “Let’s get out of here.”

He grasped Lois’ arm and started toward the door. Just then the door opened and a blonde man in his early sixties came in.

“Well, hello Clark,” he said.

Oh god, Morgan Edge. Clark quickly put himself between Lois and Morgan, realising it was a mistake when Edge held up a gun. Clark suddenly began to feel very dizzy and nauseous. Edge smirked at him.

“Well, you didn’t think I would be unprepared once I knew you were in my club, now did you?”

“Clark?” Lois’ voice was tinged with alarm. “What’s happening?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about him, my dear Miss Lane. Now, I think the three of us need to have a little discussion, don’t you?”

Clark’s voice was strained as he fought against the pain.

“I have nothing to say to you, Edge.”

“Pity. You know, your father, who is probably burning in hell right about now, was a rather stubborn individual. He really should have learned to work with me.”

“Instead you killed him,” Clark said hoarsely.

“No, no, that was your brother. As much as I hate to admit it, he is good at it. After all the boy is quite unstable, but he does enjoy the killing. It’s a pity that you and Alexander both chose to take the moral high ground. But then, Lex was always far too much like his mother and you, Clark, well you are the unknown factor. After all, we both know you are not from around here.”

“Fuck you, Edge!” Clark hissed, even as the older man held the gun against his neck. The contact burned him and he winced in pain.

Edge stood up and Clark’s vision was blurring.

“As for you, Miss Lane, well you are proving quite the thorn in my side. I think we’re just going to have to do something about you.”

“Don’t you touch her,” Clark growled.

Edge tsked. “Now, now, my boy, you are hardly in a position to be arguing. You don’t look well. Rather green, one might say.”

Clark struggled to get to his feet, fighting against the weakness and the waves of nausea. Edge seemed to sigh.

“You really don’t know when to quit, do you, Clark.”

There was a loud bang and Lois screamed. “Clark!”

Clark felt an incredible agony, like a hundred burning needles in his shoulder. His vision began greying at the edges but he fought to hold onto his consciousness. He heard Lois cursing a blue streak at the older man, then loud crashes and a pained grunt from Edge.

“Put the gun down, Miss Lane,” Edge cried out, a steel note to his voice.

“I don’t think so, Mr Edge.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the older man was saying. “Give me the gun little girl.”

“I’m not ... a little girl,” she hissed. Clark was too busy fighting the pain to cry out a warning, but it seemed Lois had it all in hand. “You forget, Mr Edge, that I was raised an army brat. I was taught to use a gun before I could read and write.”

“You going to shoot me?”

“Thinking about it.”

There were more voices, which all seemed to bleed into one. But Lois seemed to be the one in control.

“You two, put your weapons down. Now!”

There was the unmistakeable click of a bullet going into a chamber and then an eerie silence. Or at least it seemed like it. Then Clark felt himself being lifted and the world seemed to turn topsy-turvy.

“Clark, hang on baby. I’m going to get you to a hospital.”

Clark felt himself being dragged to who knew where, then lowered gently into the seat of a car.

“Lois,” he said, wondering why the word sounded odd.

“Clark, stay with me. You have to stay with me.”

“Can’t,” he moaned. “Have to ... you have to ...”

“Honey, I can’t understand what you’re saying.”

“Bullet,” he tried again. He screamed. The pain was burning through his whole body. Then he heard Lois screaming.

“Victor, you have to help him.”

“Okay, okay, chill girl. We just have to get the bullet out, that’s all.”

“That’s all? Look at him, it’s like he’s dying.”

“Ah hell, you’re not dying yet, right big guy? Yo, boss man, we need a hand here.” There was a long pause. “Find me a knife.”

“A knife?” Lois asked. “Ah, wait, hang on. I’ve got a pocket knife in my bag.”

“Swiss army knife?” Victor’s chuckle was almost ironic.

“Yeah, Girl Scouts got nothing on me. Can you get it out?”

“I can try. Hold on to something big guy. This is going to hurt like fuck.”

Clark screamed again as something dug into his shoulder. He could barely see.

“Oh my god!” Lois said. “Look at his skin.”

“Yeah, yeah, I see it. Poison’s spreading.”


“From the Kryptonite.”

“I thought the bullet was made from meteor rock?” Lois was asking.

Somehow, focusing on the conversation above him helped him with the pain. He tried to sit up, to tell Lois everything but he was too weak and everything he tried to say came out jumbled.

“Yeah, Kryptonite. That’s what he calls it. It’s pieces of his home planet.” There was another pause. “Oh shit, he didn’t tell you everything did he?”

“No, he didn’t,” Lois said coolly. “And I’m so going to kick his ass when he wakes up.”

“Yeah, get rid of this for me, will ya?”

That was the last Clark heard as he sank down into the welcoming darkness.

The next thing he knew, Lex and Oliver were standing over him, their faces full of concern. Oliver smiled.

“Well, hey, welcome back to the land of the living.”

“Had us a little worried there, Clark,” Lex said.

Clark sat up, still feeling a little woozy. He immediately felt his shoulder. It was completely healed. He looked around him, realising they were at Watchtower.

“How’re you feeling kid?” Oliver asked.

Clark rolled his eyes. “Better.”

“Jesus Clark. Next time don’t scare us like that. We thought you were a goner for sure.”

“Luthor!” Lois must have seen he was awake as she strode angrily over from the bank of computers.

“Uh oh, it’s the missus,” Oliver cracked. “I think you’re in trouble now!”

“Shut up!” Clark growled. He looked up, rubbing the back of his neck. “Lois ...”

“Don’t you start with me Luthor. Do you know what a song and dance I had to pull just to get you out of there? How you managed to survive this long without me, I don’t know. And I tell you what, it’s a damn good thing Victor was tuned in otherwise we both would have been shark bait right about now. I cannot believe you went and got yourself shot! And here you are worrying about protecting me when I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. You are such an idiot, Luthor, and don’t think I’m going to forget this in a hurry. And how you could have kept such pertinent information from me. My god, Clark you were almost killed! You ...”

“Lois!” Three voices chimed at once.

Clark groaned. He should know by now that when Lois got into full rant mode she was like a runaway freight train.

“I’m fine,” he said sarcastically. “Thanks for asking.”

Lois glowered at him. But just as she opened her mouth to start ranting again, Chloe came over.

“Well, much as I hate to say it, what you guys found in that safe was worth getting shot for.”


“You guys so need to listen to this,” she said. “I managed to dig up an old tape player and transferred it to computer. Now the tape’s almost like forty years old so there were a few gaps in the recording but let me tell you, you guys found a goldmine.”

Clark stood up, shaking the lightheadedness away. He looked at Lex, then looked around the main room.

“Where’s ... “ he asked.

Lex nodded to the mezzanine floor. Lena was upstairs playing Checkers with Bart. Clark frowned. It had to be well after midnight, but he supposed that Lex just wanted to keep his daughter within his sight, and Lena clearly wasn’t going to be able to sleep without her father close by.

“King me,” she was saying.

“Again?” Bart complained.

Clark turned his attention back to the monitors. He noticed Lois had taken off her wig and heavy make-up and her face was bare of make-up. Good, he thought, because as hot as ‘Miss Jackson’ was, Lois was hotter. He wanted to tell her, but she glowered at him and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

Great, he thought. Still in the doghouse.

As he watched, Chloe brought up a sound file. The first voice he heard was Lionel’s. A forty year younger Lionel.

“One Suicide.”

“Thanks,” Morgan Edge said. “How are things with the old man?”

“Same as usual,” Lionel said. “The old bastard just won’t quit. Always on my case about something. Seems like nothing I do ever pleases him.”

The sound faded for a moment.

“... do something about it?”

“Like what? I need money to get out from under. I’m sick of moonlighting in the print shop.”

“That building has to be worth a ton in insurance. Fact is, I heard from Davis that it’s costing him too much to keep it up.”

Lionel guffawed. “What are you suggesting? Burn it down for the insurance?”

“Could be an idea. We could split the money with Davis. Would give you enough to get out from under.”

“It still wouldn’t be enough. And the old man would want to split it.”

“So we ... the old man and the old lady are there when it goes up.”

“Morgan, you’re crazy. What if the cops get involved?”

“Lionel, you’ve been bitching for months about the old man. And you know I can do this. I built incendiary devices in ‘Nam. Besides, we both know the cops can’t do anything. The slum lords control the streets, not City Hall.”

“I don’t know, Morgan. I hate the bastard, I really do. It’s just ... we’re talking about murder.”

Chloe looked at them. “The rest of the recording is pretty much the same. Lots of blah, blah, blah, should we, shouldn’t we.”

“Question is,” Bruce said, and Clark stared, not even realising the Gotham billionaire had been there, “is it enough to prove it in a court of law?”

“Lois and Clark managed to get a report from the fire investigator. Edge had that hidden in his safe as well,” Lex said. “Couple that evidence with the tape, I think there may be a case. I’ll hand it over personally to the DA’s office in the morning. They’re already looking into Lionel’s murder.” He looked at Clark. “Meantime, I think Clark needs some time to recuperate.”

Clark was going to object but Lex glared at him and he subsided. Lex was right. He’d been shot with a Kryptonite bullet and needed time to recover.

“Don’t worry about Lois,” Oliver told him. “Vic and I will make sure she gets home safe.”

Lex was quiet on the drive home and Clark waited for the lecture that never came. He’d screwed up. Where getting shot was concerned and with Lois. He could tell his brother was pissed with him, but he clearly wasn’t going to lecture Clark with Lena in the car.

Lex put his daughter to bed in his room and came out to the kitchen.

“Lex, I ...”

“Save it, Clark. I think we both need some time to process what happened tonight. But I will say this. I think Lois proved herself more than capable of taking care of herself and you’re an idiot for ever thinking of breaking up with her to protect her. You know, Lois was really hurt by that, and ...”

“I know. I know I screwed up with her. I just ...”

“Clark, I’m exhausted. It’s been a long day and it’s almost two am. And I have to meet with the DA tomorrow. So I really don’t want to talk about this right now. Now, I’m going to bed. I suggest you do the same.”

Sighing, Clark did as he was told, falling into a sound sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

It was late the next morning by the time he got into the Daily Planet. He walked up the stairs to Lois’ office, bumping into her as she came barrelling out of her office, dropping papers everywhere.

Clark immediately bent down to help her, bumping his head accidentally against hers.

“Ow! Geez, what do you have in there? Concrete? Next time, watch where you’re going!”

“Lois, I’m sorry, I ...”

“Forget it,” she said, picking up the papers with a sigh.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” he asked.

“Lex is meeting with the DA right now. You look like crap, Clark,” she added, peering at him.

“Gee, thanks.”

Lois shook her head. “Look, I don’t have time to deal with this right now. The DA is asking for all my notes on Morgan Edge.”

“Well, I’ll come with you.”

Lois sighed and sent him a look as if to say, ‘if you must, you must’. He followed her to the lift, then held out his hands for her papers, which she was busy trying to get in order.

“Here, let me help you,” he said.

“I can do it myself.”

“Lois ...”

The lift doors opened and she got in. The lift was empty. Lois dropped a couple of pages and Clark picked them up.

“Look, let me do this,” he said.

Grumbling, Lois handed them over and he quickly reorganised them. She stared.

“Whoa! That’ll take some getting used to,” she said.

He grinned. “It’s kinda nice, not having to hide it from you.”

The lift signalled their floor and Lois got out, holding her hand for the now neat pile of papers. Clark walked with her down the corridor.

“Look, I know I was pretty out of it last night, but I get that you were kind of upset. I just ...”

“What’s to be upset about? Maybe, I don’t know, the fact that you’re ...” She leaned over and whispered. “An alien!”

Clark squirmed. “Uh, I kind of prefer the term Intergalactic Traveller.”

Lois rolled her eyes. “Whatever!”

“Lois, I get it, okay. You’re mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

He frowned at her. “You’re not? But last night you said ...”

“That was before I saw you get shot. Then I kind of forgot to be mad. Now, I’m just hurt.”

“Which is going to be worse than mad, isn’t it?”

“Well, what do you expect? First you tell me that you’re ... the Bl ...” She glanced at the two reporters passing them in the corridor. “That you’re the Blaine of cable tv.”

She rolled her eyes as the reporters continued on. Clark frowned at her, realising she had been trying to cover up the fact that she’d just about blurted he was The Blur. Her rant continued.

“Then you tell me you’re breaking up with me, all for my own good and it makes it sound like you don’t even trust me, and then you run off to Zurich. I mean it’s like when the going gets tough, you take off to god knows where.”

“I went to Zurich to find the safety deposit box,” he told her. “I found the details in Tess’ papers. She managed to leave me a clue. So I went there to get the contents of the box before Lucas could get his hands on them.”

“So what was in the box?”

“A journal. Written by Virgil Swann.”

Lois frowned at him. “What? I thought Dr Swann was ...”

“He died about six years ago. Lionel must have stolen the diary from him. Look, can we talk about this later?”

“Fine. But you are going to sit down and tell me everything, buster!”

Lois turned away from him and walked into Lex’s office. Clark entered behind her. Lex looked up.

“Oh, good, you’re both here. Ms Drake, this is Lois Lane and my brother, Clark. Clark, Lois, this is Mayson Drake and Pete Ross.”

Clark looked at the attractive blonde. She appeared to be a little older than him. Late twenties or possibly early thirties. The man standing next to her was African-American, of average height, and he looked a little familiar. Clark frowned.

“Pete Ross?”

So this was Lana’s fiancé. Clark was puzzled.

“You’re engaged to Lana,” he said.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“She told me you’d got a job with a local firm. She didn’t say it was the DA’s office.”

“Yeah, it’s not actually official until I pass the bar. So I’m really only assisting until then,” he said. “Um, I kind of told Lana to go see you. Hope you don’t mind. I just ... well, Lana always talked about you and I guess I just wanted to reassure myself that she was really over you.”

Clark nodded. “Yeah. You needn’t worry on that score. Even I could see that Lana really loves you.”

Pete smiled, his teeth showing white against his chocolate skin. “Cool!”

Mayson cleared her throat. “Uh, so, should we get down to business?”

“Of course.”

“Uh, now the Feds have also expressed an interest in this, especially with Edge being the suspected head of Intergang. And they’re very interested in this recording you have, Mr Luthor.”

“Please, call me Lex.”

“Fine. Lex. Now, what can you tell me about the murders of Lionel Luthor and Tess Mercer?”



( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 28th, 2011 09:34 am (UTC)
AWESOME new chapter honey!

Happy last few days of 2011! *big hugs*
Dec. 28th, 2011 05:04 pm (UTC)
Thanks Jan.
Dec. 29th, 2011 12:59 am (UTC)
great work once again
Dec. 29th, 2011 06:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks hon.
Dec. 29th, 2011 04:23 pm (UTC)
Yay I finally had a free minute to read this. Wonderful chapter. I love lois when she kicks ass! :D
Dec. 29th, 2011 06:11 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, don't mess with Mad Dog Lane, that's for sure.
(Deleted comment)
May. 15th, 2012 06:43 am (UTC)
Beware the wrath of Lois Lane, hehe
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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