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The Truth About Men and Women 27/74

Author: Phoenixnz
Fandom: Smallville
Genre: Romcom,Drama, movie knock-off, AU
Rating: R (for innuendo, although there may be smut later)
Pairing: Clark Luthor/Lois Lane
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, not even the AU ones, or the movie this one is based on. Some situations from the movie The Ugly Truth are borrowed for effect, but with a Smallville spin on them.
Feedback: Yesh pleash

Summary: Lois Lane is a dedicated journalist. So dedicated in fact that she has trouble with relationships. She is mortified when cable show host and womaniser Clark Luthor joins the Daily Planet as a columnist and he begins teaching her the truth about male/female relationships. From his angle anyway.

a/n: Awesome banner made by dream_infinity0


Chapter Twenty-Seven

Lois made the older couple sit down and grabbed the pitcher of juice from the fridge, pouring them each a glass.

“So how’s Clark?” she asked, giving her boyfriend, or at least, she considered him her boyfriend after what they’d done last night, a look to show she wasn’t meaning him. He just shrugged and went back to mixing more batter for the flapjacks.

“Studying hard. At least he’ll be graduating soon,” Martha said proudly.

“I think I met him,” Clark spoke up. “It was a few years ago. What’s he studying?”

“Business administration,” Jonathan said shortly. Lois noticed Martha shoot him a look and he almost rolled his eyes.

“So when does he graduate?” Clark asked.

“He has another year,” Martha told him. “He wants to get his masters.”

Clark nodded. “That’s great. You know, Lex is starting up some internship programs at Luthorcorp. I could ask him to consider your son.”

“Don’t do us any favours,” Jonathan said.

“Jonathan!” Both Lois and Martha spoke sharply.

“I think Clark is considering combining his minor in sports management with his business administration degree,” Martha told him.

“Well, Luthorcorp does own the Metropolis Sharks. Let me make some enquiries,” Clark said thoughtfully.

“That would be nice. Thank you. So, how are things at Luthorcorp?” Martha asked politely.

“Well, initially Lex had some resistance to the changes he was making. There were a lot of people who were either unaware of Lionel’s unethical business practices, or were more concerned about the profits. The stocks lowered considerably in value for a while, but Lex doesn’t care about that. He just wants to make sure that everything the company does is above board.”

“That’s debatable,” Jonathan commented.

Lois sent him a glare, and turned to Martha.

“I have to admit, even I was sceptical at first, but I’ve heard some of the changes Lex has been making and he really does care about what he’s doing. Even if it means putting himself in the firing line.”

Martha looked concerned. “Does that mean Lex has had threats?”

Clark nodded. “From what we can determine from various sources, Lionel was dealing with some of the criminal underworld, and they aren’t big fans of change. Especially when profits are involved. But Lex has his reasons for making the changes.”

There was a sizzling in the pan as Clark poured the batter in to cook.

“Lex is a really good guy,” Lois told the older couple. “Even if he does get mad at me sometimes.”

“Well, on that point, I can’t say I blame him,” Jonathan said. “You do seem to get yourself into scrapes a lot,” he added with a grin.

“Okay, okay,” she said, lifting her hands in a gesture of surrender. “Which is why Clark is now my partner at work.”

Before the couple could respond to that, the doorbell rang and Lois went to answer it. She was greeted by a tall woman with very short blonde hair and an impassive expression.

“You Lois?”

Lois started to nod in answer, then she was ambushed by a red-headed dynamo.

“Lois! Lois!”

“Lena!” she laughed.

Lena grinned, practically bouncing. “I’m so glad you’re coming with me to the fair,” she said, talking rapidly. “It’s gonna be so awesome.”

Lois led the little girl into the house, the blonde following. Lena was chattering nineteen to the dozen, exclaiming over Lois’ house and talking excitedly about the day. Lois looked over the little girl’s head at the blonde.

“Name’s Mercy,” the woman said shortly.

“I guessed that,” Lois answered.

Lena stopped short when she saw the Kents sitting on the couch.

“Who are they?” she asked, looking up at Lois.

“Lena, these are very dear friends of mine. Say hello to Mr and Mrs Kent. Jonathan, Martha, this is Lex’s daughter, Lena.”

Lena went up to Jonathan and shyly held out her hand. Jonathan grinned and took it, shaking it. The little girl did the same with Martha.

“Wow, you’re pretty,” she said. “And you have hair like mine!”

Martha laughed. “Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Lena.” She looked questioningly up at Lois.

“Lex has to work and we’re taking Lena to the fair.”

Jonathan looked pointedly at Mercy. Lois started to answer but Lena got there first.

“Oh, that’s Mercy. She’s my bodyguard. Daddy says she has to look after me because some bad men said they were going to hurt me. But I know I’ll be safe with Lois and Uncle Clark. Cause Uncle Clark is really strong, and ...”

“And I think a certain young lady has already had way too much sugar this morning,” Clark commented, bringing out a stack of flapjacks, along with maple syrup, lemon juice and powdered sugar. “Breakfast is up.”

“Ooh, can I have some Uncle Clark?”

“It’s ‘may I’,” he corrected automatically. “Haven’t you already had breakfast, Lena?”

“Yeah, but I’m hungry again!” the girl complained.

“You’re always hungry,” Clark shot back good-naturedly. “And where’s my hug this morning?”

Lena jumped up from where she’d been sitting next to Martha and ran to her uncle, who scooped her up in his arms.

Jonathan grinned at Lois. “Wow, she’s a handful, isn’t she?”

“She’s not usually this hyper,” Clark told him, plopping Lena down on one of the chairs at the table and handing her a plate with a flapjack on it.

“I’m just excited Uncle Clark. I get to spend the day with you and Lois.” She looked up at the Kents. “Are you coming to the fair too?”

“Sorry sweetie,” Martha said. “We have a grocery store to run.” Lena pouted and Jonathan ruffled her hair.

“I’m sure Lois will bring you by sometime and we can all do something fun together.”

Lois grinned. Clark might take a while to win them over, but it looked like Lena had already done so, especially with Jonathan, who she knew loved kids. It was such a shame that the couple had never been able to have kids of their own. They deserved a houseful. But Martha and Jonathan felt they were blessed with their adopted son.

Lena directed operations, making sure Lois sat on her right and Martha, her new friend, sat on her left. Lois grinned up at Clark, who Lena directed to sit opposite her. Mercy opted to stay standing. Lena had already grabbed the bottle of maple syrup and covered her flapjack.

“Lena, save some for everyone else,” Clark told her.

Both Martha and Jonathan were chuckling merrily at the little girl’s antics. Clark looked apologetically at Lois.

“Sorry. Lex had to go in early and he knew I was coming here first, so he suggested dropping her off here rather than going out to his place to pick her up.”

Lois smiled at Clark. Sure, Lena was a bit hyper, but she didn’t mind. She adored the little girl. Who was peering at her rather intently.


“Yeah honey.”

“You’ve got a bruise on your neck.”

Lois frowned, putting her hand up to her neck. “Where?”

Lena put her finger on it. “Right there.”

Oh crap! she thought, glancing back at Clark, who looked a little sheepish. That was where Clark had ...

Lena was looking curiously from her uncle back to Lois.

“Did you guys have sex?”

Clark choked and began coughing. Lois felt herself turning bright red, while the Kents burst into laughter.

“Lena!” Clark spluttered.

Lois fought to get her composure, then looked at Lena.

“Lena, that’s a very personal thing between your uncle and I.”

“Sorry, but did you? Cause I think it would be really cool! I really like you, Lois.”

“Thank you, sweetie. I like you too. But the answer to your question is no.”

“How come?”

“Lena, you’re being very nosy,” Clark told his niece, grabbing his napkin and wiping his mouth.

“She’s naturally curious,” Jonathan said. He looked at Lena. “Aren’t you honey?”

Lena nodded. “I wish my Daddy would find someone as cool as Lois,” she said. “He works too much. I bet if he had someone like Lois he wouldn’t work so much and he’d be happy like you Uncle Clark.”

Lois raised her eyebrows at Clark. This explained a lot, she thought. Lena was curious about her uncle’s relationship since her father seemed to shy away from relationships. She supposed she couldn’t blame Lex for being gun-shy. But Lena had obviously caught on to the fact that her father was actually very lonely. It wasn’t that he was unhappy, but he did focus too much on work.

“What about your mom?” Martha was asking Lena.

“My mommy let my daddy take me cause she thought Daddy could protect me from my Grandpa.”

Both the Kents sent Clark questioning looks.

Clark spoke softly. “Lena’s mother was a doctor at Smallville Med. Helen Bryce.”

Jonathan nodded soberly. “I met her. She was a good doctor. She disappeared a few months after she married Lex.”

“I’m not exactly sure what happened there. Lex doesn’t talk much about it. But Lex found out she was spying on him for Lionel and told her to leave. They met up again in Central City one night and Lena was the result. Helen was afraid Lionel might use Lena – do experiments on her, because of her father’s exposure to meteor rocks, so she gave her to Lex. He hasn’t heard from Helen since.”

Martha and Jonathan were looking at Lena and Clark in sympathy.

“God, that’s awful,” Jonathan said. “I’m sorry your brother had to deal with that.”

“Lena’s the reason Lex left the country. He knew he couldn’t protect her if he stayed.”

Lois nodded. That confirmed her earlier suspicions about Lex’s sudden departure.

“He did the right thing,” Lois told Clark.

Clark shuddered. “Lionel was an evil man. All the things he did, and not just to innocent people, but ...”

She knew he was thinking about what Lionel had done to Lillian, and to him. She blinked away tears, noticing Martha and Jonathan glancing at her, their expressions full of concern. She shook her head.

“Why are you sad Lois?” Lena asked.

Lois reached over and gave the girl a one-armed hug.

“It’s okay, sweetie. I’m just glad your dad and your uncle didn’t become like your grandpa.”

“Was grandpa mean to you?” Lena asked her uncle.

“Squirt, I don’t think this is a good topic of conversation for the breakfast table,” Clark said gently. “We’ll talk about it some other time.”

“But I want to know.”

“Clark, she has a right to know,” Lois reminded him.

“No, Lois. I think Clark’s right,” Jonathan said. He turned to Clark. “I want to say something. I know of some of the evil Lionel did and I want to apologise to you. And to your brother. I’ve seriously misjudged you. I can see now you are nothing like your father.”

“Thank you, Mr Kent. That means a lot.”

“Jonathan,” the older man said, with a smile. He turned to Lena. “Want to help me clear the table?” he asked.

Lena nodded enthusiastically, getting up and picking up some of the dishes.

Clark started to get up to make coffee and Martha put a hand on his arm.

“I’m sorry if I brought up some bad memories,” she said

Clark shook his head, glancing anxiously toward the kitchen. But Lena and Jonathan were chattering away happily.

“It’s okay. You may as well know that as well as destroying Smallville, Lionel experimented on people. Those exposed to the meteors. That’s why Lex took Lena away. I’ve done some stupid things in my time, but I never ... I would never ...”

Martha hugged him. Clark seemed a little surprised by that, but he hugged her back.

“It takes a lot of courage to walk away from something like that,” she said, and Lois had the impression that Martha understood a lot more than Clark was telling. It seemed pretty clear that Jonathan understood as well.

“When Lex found out he was a father, he swore he wasn’t going to raise Lena the way dad did us. He might be a little over-protective and he might work too hard, but ...”

“Anyone can see that Lena is being raised with love. She’s a lovely little girl. And I think you handle her very well. She obviously adores you.”

“Thank you,” Clark nodded. “That means a lot. Excuse me. I’m going to make some coffee.” He turned away to go to the kitchen. Lena held out her arms for a hug and he picked her up, cuddling her while he put on the coffee.

Martha looked at Lois. “I can see why you love him,” she said.

Lois looked at her in surprise. “I ...

Martha smiled. “Think I don’t know when you’re that taken with someone? And he’s just as taken with you. But ... and I don’t want to sound like I’m warning you off him, it’s just ... he has a lot of pain from the past. It may be too much for you to handle.”

Lois shook her head. “No, I think I’m exactly the person to help him deal with those things. I mean, I don’t know everything about what Lionel did to him and Lex, but I know enough. And he needs me. I’m strong enough.”

Martha hugged her. “Oh sweetie, I didn’t mean ...”

“I know you didn’t. Clark has had to deal with all those issues by himself for years and it hasn’t exactly made him the easiest person to be around, but now that he’s opening up to me, that’s changing. I mean, okay, when I first met him, he was kind of arrogant, and a bit of a jerk, but when I saw him with Lena, I knew all that other stuff was just an act he put on to hide his vulnerabilities. He’s more himself when he’s around her and that’s the man I’m falling in love with.”

“It won’t be easy, Lois. I think it will take some time before he’s comfortable enough to tell you everything ...”

“I know it won’t be easy. But I’m willing to try.”

The older couple left a short time later, after promising that Lena could call them anytime she wanted. Lois could understand why Lena had taken to them so quickly. Despite her usual reserve, Lena seemed to have an instinct for certain people and she’d obviously sensed that the Kents were as genuine as they come.

It was also fairly clear that Lena did not like Mercy one bit. She wasn’t meaning to be rude, but the little girl ignored the blonde, who just seemed to take it in her stride. Lois was curious about that. She wondered what had happened between the blonde woman and Lex for Lex to trust her so implicitly, especially with his daughter’s wellbeing, but Mercy wasn’t going to explain.

Lena chattered happily in the car as Clark drove to the fairground. Mercy was not exactly happy about having to sit in the back, but Lois just shrugged at Clark. Mercy’s job was to guard Lena, so it shouldn’t matter where she sat.

The grounds were already crowded when they arrived. Clark parked the car and helped Lena out. Lena ran on ahead.

“Lena,” Clark called. “You’re supposed to wait for us.”

“C’mon Uncle Clark. They’ve got a Ferris Wheel and everything.”

Lois chuckled at the childish enthusiasm. She had a feeling Lena was cooking up a little scheme to make sure that she and Clark would spend some time together. She wanted to tell her that they didn’t need a matchmaker, but she was sure Lena wouldn’t listen anyway.

Sure enough, Lena arranged things so Clark and Lois were sitting together on the Ferris Wheel, while Lena took the next seat with Mercy, who really wasn’t happy.

Clark smiled and shrugged.

“Sorry. She means well.”

“I think she’s just caught up in the whole idea of it all,” Lois answered.

“And what about you?” Clark said as the wheel slowly began to move.

“What about me?” she asked.

“Are you caught up in it?”

“I can handle my own,” she told him.

“Really,” he answered, leaning close to her.

“PDA, remember? Rule number one.”

“And are there any other rules I should know about?”

“Hmm, well, that all depends on whether you can stick to them.”

“I can if you can.”

“Please. You gave me a hickey last night, which your niece so lovingly pointed out. I haven’t had a hickey since I was a teenager making out with Wes Keenan in the base armoury. The general nearly shot him for that.”

“Sorry,” Clark said. “But how does that relate to Lois Lane’s rules of dating?”

“Rule number two. No hickeys.”

“Aw, you just made that up,” he complained good-naturedly.

“No, no. Works right in with rule number one.”

“Fine. I’ll believe you.”

Lois giggled. She loved teasing him, and by the expression on his face, he loved being teased.

The ride was over far too soon and Lena wanted to try out some of the games. Clark bought his niece a few tickets for the horseshoe game and they watched as Lena threw the horseshoes.

“You know these games are rigged, don’t you?” Lois whispered to Clark. He snorted.

“You are such a cynic, Lane.”

She watched as he bent down and guided Lena’s hand on the next shot. A big beefy guy with tattoos down his arms came to stand by her while a boy a foot taller than Lena pushed her out of the way, making her miss her shot. Lena fell on her backside, wincing at the impact. Clark hugged her, comforting her.

“Hey!” Lois exclaimed.

The big tub of meat turned and looked her up and down. Or leered, might be a better term, she thought with a shudder.

“You got a problem, lady?”

“That your kid?”


“He just shoved her.”

“So? Gonna make something of it, bitch?”

Lena was now glaring at the boy, who was just smirking back at her. Mercy approached the father and glowered at him.

“First,” Mercy hissed, “you’re going to apologise to the lady for the foul language. Then you’re going to pay for the little girl to get another turn.”

“Like hell I will,” the man growled.

Clark had stood up and he was also facing the man, glaring angrily. Lois looked around, feeling uneasy. A crowd was watching them. Something smelled bad, and it wasn’t the guy’s body odour.

“Clark, let’s just go find another game,” she said. “I don’t like this.”

Clark frowned at her, then looked down at Lena, who was clinging to his hand.

“Yeah, Lois, I think you’re right. Mercy ...”

Mercy had the man in an arm-lock and she was threatening to break his wrist. Fortunately a security guard had been called and took over. The game attendant beckoned them over.

“I’m real sorry,” he said. He picked up a Panda and handed it to Lena. “Here. I bet you would have got it on the next try if that kid hadn’t pushed you.”

“Thanks. That’s kind of you,” Lois said.

Lena cuddled the soft toy and let them lead her away. Lois looked around for Mercy, but couldn’t find her in the crowd. Something was really beginning to rankle. She grabbed Clark’s hand, not wanting to lose sight of him. He glanced at her, but said nothing. He seemed to sense her anxiety.

“Lena, stay close,” he said.

And suddenly it was as if all hell broke loose. There were sounds of small explosions and Lois was surrounded by green smoke.

She frowned. Green smoke?

Clark was coughing as the smoke drifted up. Lois looked around for the source of the smoke, but it was starting to sting her eyes. Lena was crying. The sound was getting further and further away. Lois’ last thought as the blackness took her was why green?

Consciousness returned with an awareness that she wasn’t anywhere near the fairground, along with an acute pounding in her head. Her eyes were blurred and watery and she rubbed them, sitting up.

“Lena? Clark?”

The little redhead was sleeping beside her on the floor. Lois scooped her into her arms, brushing the hair out of her face and checking her breathing. It looked like whatever had been in the smoke was just some kind of sleeping drug.

She turned her head and looked around. Where was Clark?

They were in a warehouse of some kind. Not the same warehouse where she and Clark had found the sweatshop three nights earlier. She could tell that from the filth on the floor. Peering through the dim light, she thought she saw a rat scurrying along the wall.

She held Lena closer, hoping to protect her from whatever else might be in here. Lena whimpered, and it appeared she was slowly coming to. She began to cry.

“Shh, shh Lena, it’s okay. I’m here,” she said, rocking her.


“Yes, sweetie. It’s me.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know, baby.”

Lena wrapped an arm around her neck and sat up, blinking rapidly.

“Where’s Uncle Clark?”

“I wish I knew,” Lois sighed.

“Oh, he’s a little ... dead,” came a chuckle from the shadows.

Lois scrambled to her feet, pulling Lena up with her. Lena was too heavy so Lois put her down and moved in front of her, shielding her from the stranger.

“How do you like your accommodations, Ms Lane?” the man chuckled.

Lois gasped as the man emerged from the shadows and showed her his face. He was wearing white make-up on his face, his eyes shadowed, making them stand out. He looked almost like a vaudeville caricature, only the effect was far more terrifying with the scars around his mouth. He’d used what could be red lipstick to outline the scars, in stark contrast with his face.

He was wearing a suit. But the most remarkable thing about the suit was that it was royal purple. Beneath the jacket he wore an olive green vest. A colour which would have naturally clashed with the purple, but he didn’t seem to care at all.

Lena came out from behind her and stared at the man. Lois held out her hand, trying to stop Lena from moving closer.

The man bent down.

“Well, hello there, little girl. Aren’t you precious?”

Lena made a small sound of fear and reached out for Lois’ hand.

“What’s the matter?” the man said. “You look a little nervous. Do my scars frighten you?”

Lena whimpered.

“You know, I had a little sister once. She looked a lot like you. She died. Pity.”

He stood up, forcing Lois to move backwards.

“Want to know how I got these scars?” he asked gleefully.

“Not particularly,” Lois told him.

The man grabbed her by the jaw and held up a knife, laying the flat of the blade on her cheek.

“Well, I’ll tell you anyway. See, I had a mother. She was very beautiful, my mother. She was always telling me, why so serious?” Lois tried to turn her head away from him, away from the knife and he forced her to look at him. “Look at me!”

He continued. “So, my mother, she goes out one day, and there are these thugs, you see? And they beat her. And rape her. And they take a knife to her face. I grew up poor, you know. And we didn’t have the money to fix her face. So she was sad all the time. She never smiled. So I decided to do something for her. I took a knife, and I did this,” he said, sticking the knife in his mouth and mimed cutting his mouth open. Then he took the knife out and laid it flat against her cheek again. “You know what my mother did? She slit her wrists with a razor blade. And me? Well, I smile all the time now.”

Lois knew she had to do something, despite her fear. He was completely unhinged and if she didn’t get away from him, there was a good chance he’d hurt her or Lena. She glowered at him.

“You’re insane,” she said.

“Well, that’s a matter of opinion. After all, what is one man’s genius but another man’s insanity? Don’t you agree?”

“Get away from us, you freak!” she glared, shoving him and aiming a punch at him.

Still holding Lena’s hand, she ran for the door at the far end of the warehouse. But he was on her, pulling her back by her hair, the knife at her throat.

“Aw, now don’t you know it’s rude to leave a party just when the fun is beginning?”

“What do you want?”

“World peace?” he chuckled. “No, no, I want more than that. I want Lex Luthor. His brother, well, I wouldn’t worry so much about him. He’s a little ... under-the-weather right now.”

Lois’s eyes widened. “What have you done to Clark?”

“Nothing you should worry your pretty little head about, my dear.”

“Who the hell are you?”

“Maybe this will help enlighten you,” he said.

He took a deck of cards out of his pocket.

“Pick a card. Any card,” he said.


“It’s a magic trick. You like magic, don’t you? Little girl?”

Lena cowered against Lois, who continued to stare at him, thinking quickly. What was he talking about? Cards? Then she realised.

“Oh my god! You’re the Joker!”



( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 25th, 2011 04:20 am (UTC)
This chapter was excellent.

lets just hope Clark saves lois and Lena.

loved it
Nov. 25th, 2011 05:12 am (UTC)
You will soon find out. The next chapter is from Clark's perspective.
Nov. 25th, 2011 05:03 am (UTC)
Oh crap the shit hit the fan!
Nov. 25th, 2011 05:13 am (UTC)
Yep, the shit has certainly hit the fan. More soon.
Nov. 25th, 2011 05:15 am (UTC)
Like my new icon?????
Nov. 25th, 2011 05:18 am (UTC)
OMG, I love it. That's got to be the creepiest thing ever about Heath's portrayal.
Nov. 25th, 2011 09:10 am (UTC)
WOOHOO!!! Joker's come! AWESOME new chapter!
Nov. 25th, 2011 09:48 am (UTC)
Yep, the gang's all here! LOL
Dec. 20th, 2011 11:36 am (UTC)
I wrote a comment but lost it! I love your characters but loathe the Joker and all Batman's enemies. I hope the villains get their just deserts without Clark suffering too much. Do I detect the vile hand of Lucas in all this?

This continues to be a brilliant story. The relationship between Lois and Clark is developing at an entrancingly slow rate. Thanks.
Dec. 25th, 2011 01:10 am (UTC)
Yep, I've kept the relationship on a slow burn for a few chapters. They will come together when the time is right. But they will make a few mistakes here and there, so it won't all be plain sailing.

As for the villains, yep, they are pretty vile. I tried to stick to Heath's portrayal of Joker, as it was pretty creepy, although brilliantly performed by my reckoning.
(Deleted comment)
May. 15th, 2012 06:33 am (UTC)
Yep, the Joker appears.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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