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Random life stuff

I try not to be negative, I really do, but lately I just feel that something or someone is continually pushing me down.

I'm rather peeved (and that's being polite) at my brother. Maybe it's a trivial thing, but I have to mow the lawn at my flat. All I have is a hand mower, but the grass isn't grass. It's mostly just weed, and given how wet it's been lately, the blades just slide rather than cut. A motor mower would do the trick, but the only solution my brother can offer is to hire someone as a one-off deal. Maybe it's only thirty or forty dollars, but that's almost half my grocery budget. I don't have the cash to spare. It just boggles the mind that he can't do the decent thing and offer to let me borrow his mower or offer to mow the lawn himself.

I can't understand him. His partner is ... well, I don't really know what she is. But she's disrespectful to Mum. My mum rarely sees her grandchildren and it's mostly because when she wants to visit, my brother's partner decides to take them away for the school holidays. She won't answer the phone when Mum calls, she won't give my brother messages from Mum and she won't let the kids talk to her either. It's like, what the hell is her problem? My mother is a good person and she's not well. You'd think the stupid woman would be a bit more sympathetic. My brother was in his late thirties when my nephew was born, so Mum's 'grandmotherhood' is a bit late, and there's slim to no chance that I will ever be able to give her more grandchildren. There's just my brother and I and my stepdad doesn't have kids. I know it's hurting her, not being able to spend more time with the kids, but obviously my brother doesn't care enough to fight for it.

We did get to see the kids on the weekend, last weekend. This weekend is Easter, of course, and I expect the kids will be going away as it's also school holidays. I guess that's something, but you'd think now that Mum is only a few kilometres away from her grandchildren, she'd get to see them more often. She feels the same way I do, that she's not welcome at my brother's place, because of the way his partner treats her.

I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I do think the woman's got serious issues. She's now talking about my brother getting a job in another town, which is not possible with what he does for a living, as if she's wanting to avoid us completely.

Anyway, back to me. I've got to the point now where I refuse to ask for help. From anyone. This is not pride talking. I've tried asking for help in the past, but either no one gives a damn or there's no help to be given. I'm tired of being trodden on and I just feel like I'm never going to get what I want so I should just stop trying. I'm always broke because I'm trying to pay back various people. Okay, one of the things is my car. I didn't want to get a car in the first place, but I had to because of the job I was doing. My mother wasn't happy with the idea of me walking about 10 kms or cycling 10kms in the middle of the night. I couldn't get a loan because the job was casual, so my stepdad loaned me the money. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for that, since I couldn't exactly get a ride home and there was no public transport to be had at that time of night. So there really wasn't much of a choice. But I can't really afford the payments on it.

I hate the place I'm living in. My bedroom is far too small and I live in an area I've basically been trying to get away from my entire life, other than the few years I spent away from the city. I grew up in this area and it is one of the worst areas in the city. It's like the universe is telling me that all I will ever be is this person who lives in the shittiest places in the worst parts of town, because that's all I deserve. Like I must be a horrible person if that's the case. All I've ever wanted is a place of my own, but instead I'm renting. I can't afford any higher rent. My work contract finishes at the end of next month and I have no idea what's going to happen next. I don't want to go back on unemployment, but we're coming in to winter which is the worst time for any kind of job-hunting.

That's another thing that gets to me. People ask me why I'm struggling and why I can't hold down a job. I've basically been in temping jobs the past seven years and it sucks. It's stressful wondering if I'm going to get another job at the end of a contract, and it's hard trying to save money when the money I do save ends up being used up for a few weeks until I can get another job, or I have to go back to living on lousy unemployment benefits. There's no such thing as food stamps in this country. You are allowed one food grant a time, usually a year, and then it's only enough to buy maybe a couple weeks' groceries. After that, you either go to a foodbank or end up with only $10 to buy food each week. Given my budget, there is no way in hell I'm even going to have that much for food.

I hate my life! My books aren't selling (yes, I know I've complained about that before). The thing is, someone told me if I'm doing what I love, then the money will come. But when? That's what I want to know. How am I supposed to do what I love and live at the same time? I don't have any answers and I'm sick of waiting for someone else to come up with those answers.

I'm feeling really down on myself and exhausted. I keep doubting myself and that's not helping either. 

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
babydee1
Apr. 15th, 2017 05:03 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
I wish you lived closer, so I could give you that hug. I hope things really improve for you soon xx
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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